Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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