she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
try to milk me bitch
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
