Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
