my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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