Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
