feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
bring money and cleavage
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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