we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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