Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
