Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
