don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
