WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
