sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
