Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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