Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize