Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Houston, we have a squirter
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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