My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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