So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
