Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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