I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
