my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
