no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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