the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
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i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
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I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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