Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
