A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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