Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
