just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
