So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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