dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
