Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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