i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
