Betty ford says i'm here all night
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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