Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
