Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
