How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
