People in love make me want to vomit
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
