Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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