He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
