Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
