Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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