Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
