Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
