just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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