i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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