Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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