I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
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I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
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I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
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