please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
