thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
