he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
