3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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