YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
