I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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