His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.