I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
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Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
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We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.