I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
