my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
