she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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