....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
