I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize