u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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