LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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